Yesterday I went to a new doctor and, for the first time in my life, requested medication specifically for anxiety. He started me on Buspar. Only had one dose so far, so it remains to be seen how well it will work for me.
My anxiety had gotten bad enough that my writing slowed to a trickle. I am just having a really hard time fighting back against the people who are blind and apathetic to the murderous policies of the US against other countries, placing us at risk of war with other nuclear powers. Long as those voters think they may get universal healthcare, they are fine with the decimation of countries, slaughter of children and risk of war which would annihilate everything on the planet.
To add to it, there is a nurse on the night shift who is a textbook narcissist and the most obnoxious, incompetent person I have ever met in my life. For the first time ever, I called in sick to work on Fri night to avoid working with one person. They had me scheduled to work with him in the ER. I could not do it. I have been keeping my distance from him, knowing that eventually a confrontation is coming. He has already had confrontations with others but I won't back down like they do. I'll have to be smart about it, control myself enough to force him to confront me with witnesses present. However, he has already gained a reputation. I will not instigate anything, just bide my time. He actually said he thinks I am intimidated by him. Meanwhile any confrontation with other people he has made certain happens out of my earshot. So there's no question who is intimidated.
I'm still going weeks at a time celibate, barely heard, more of a caregiver than partner and lover. Since I said I am having a massive problem with anxiety, I have seen her less in the last 2-3 weeks than I had for months. Leaves me feeling alone. Truly alone.
The other day, I started talking to another woman online. She is beautiful, sexy, intelligent.. and submissive. Down sides- My own emotional conflict, of course. She lives out of town but travels here on occasion. She appears at some level to be either vain or insecure. She's nice, so I am guessing the latter but could be wrong. And she is a capitalist. Not sure that one can be overcome but maybe I can radicalize her. If nothing else, at least it seems like I have made another friend. I have not delved into deep subjects much with her yet. I am going to keep talking with her and see what the future brings.
My anxiety had gotten bad enough that my writing slowed to a trickle. I am just having a really hard time fighting back against the people who are blind and apathetic to the murderous policies of the US against other countries, placing us at risk of war with other nuclear powers. Long as those voters think they may get universal healthcare, they are fine with the decimation of countries, slaughter of children and risk of war which would annihilate everything on the planet.
To add to it, there is a nurse on the night shift who is a textbook narcissist and the most obnoxious, incompetent person I have ever met in my life. For the first time ever, I called in sick to work on Fri night to avoid working with one person. They had me scheduled to work with him in the ER. I could not do it. I have been keeping my distance from him, knowing that eventually a confrontation is coming. He has already had confrontations with others but I won't back down like they do. I'll have to be smart about it, control myself enough to force him to confront me with witnesses present. However, he has already gained a reputation. I will not instigate anything, just bide my time. He actually said he thinks I am intimidated by him. Meanwhile any confrontation with other people he has made certain happens out of my earshot. So there's no question who is intimidated.
I'm still going weeks at a time celibate, barely heard, more of a caregiver than partner and lover. Since I said I am having a massive problem with anxiety, I have seen her less in the last 2-3 weeks than I had for months. Leaves me feeling alone. Truly alone.
The other day, I started talking to another woman online. She is beautiful, sexy, intelligent.. and submissive. Down sides- My own emotional conflict, of course. She lives out of town but travels here on occasion. She appears at some level to be either vain or insecure. She's nice, so I am guessing the latter but could be wrong. And she is a capitalist. Not sure that one can be overcome but maybe I can radicalize her. If nothing else, at least it seems like I have made another friend. I have not delved into deep subjects much with her yet. I am going to keep talking with her and see what the future brings.
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