I was listening to some music I used to listen to a few years ago and enjoyed. While listening, I realized I still enjoy the way it sounds but no longer relate to the sentiment expressed.
Most of the songs I feel this way about express anger, depression, emotional distress or an emotional need which would imply compromises which I am no longer willing to make. Some of those songs are "Prayer" by Disturbed, "I Would Do Anything For Love" by Meatloaf. And others which express things which I have found I have successfully rejected.
There is absolutely no negative to this. What this reflects is a change in my being. It means I have reached a level of inner peace which I had striven for for most of my life. The things which held me back were the choices I made in my personal life which left me with pain, unresolvable anger, unmet emotional need, disappointment and some level of emotional desperation and definitely confusion.
It took nearly 9 years of being alone and refusing to give in to more immediate emotional urges to purge myself of all the damage done by people in my past. I don;t hold anger at the people that did the damage. Obviously they were damaged themselves. The difference is that they did not want to heal. Instead, I feel ashamed of myself for remaining in situations which harmed me, too weak to walk away. I considered it being strong and loyal, when maybe it was just holding on with a white knuckle grip. Not aware that the support I held so fast to was dragging me under and pinning me down, crushing me.
Being alone isn't always easy. However, several years ago I made the absolute decision that I would not enter into another relationship which did so much damage to me.
I really made that decision much earlier than that. My ex asked me while we were together what I would do if we broke up. My answer was that I would remain alone for a very long time, probably date but may never have another permanent relationship.
To me, that is not a depressing thought. I so much prefer being alone than being with someone again that leaves me feeling lonely. Being lonely in a relationship leaves no hope. Being lonely while alone leaves the chance of temporary, short term, long term or permanent companionship which does not leave that huge empty hole in your soul.
I've obviously spent a lot of time in the last few years meditating. How many people would come away with all of that from listening to a couple of songs? Maybe I could have reached something of this realization at an earlier date. However, while you can accelerate your intellectual knowledge, emotions move at their own rate.
I still don;t know if I will ever be in another relationship. I've reached the point where I have more peace being alone. To be with someone, it would have to be someone who actually accepted me for who I am in all my complexity without trying to change me, simplify me or belittle me. Basically, it would have to be someone nearly as complex as I am. Really, I don't think I'm complex or difficult to understand at all. I just have a view that goes beyond myself, my past or concrete and unbending traditions far too outdated. Why is that complex?
Most of the songs I feel this way about express anger, depression, emotional distress or an emotional need which would imply compromises which I am no longer willing to make. Some of those songs are "Prayer" by Disturbed, "I Would Do Anything For Love" by Meatloaf. And others which express things which I have found I have successfully rejected.
There is absolutely no negative to this. What this reflects is a change in my being. It means I have reached a level of inner peace which I had striven for for most of my life. The things which held me back were the choices I made in my personal life which left me with pain, unresolvable anger, unmet emotional need, disappointment and some level of emotional desperation and definitely confusion.
It took nearly 9 years of being alone and refusing to give in to more immediate emotional urges to purge myself of all the damage done by people in my past. I don;t hold anger at the people that did the damage. Obviously they were damaged themselves. The difference is that they did not want to heal. Instead, I feel ashamed of myself for remaining in situations which harmed me, too weak to walk away. I considered it being strong and loyal, when maybe it was just holding on with a white knuckle grip. Not aware that the support I held so fast to was dragging me under and pinning me down, crushing me.
Being alone isn't always easy. However, several years ago I made the absolute decision that I would not enter into another relationship which did so much damage to me.
I really made that decision much earlier than that. My ex asked me while we were together what I would do if we broke up. My answer was that I would remain alone for a very long time, probably date but may never have another permanent relationship.
To me, that is not a depressing thought. I so much prefer being alone than being with someone again that leaves me feeling lonely. Being lonely in a relationship leaves no hope. Being lonely while alone leaves the chance of temporary, short term, long term or permanent companionship which does not leave that huge empty hole in your soul.
I've obviously spent a lot of time in the last few years meditating. How many people would come away with all of that from listening to a couple of songs? Maybe I could have reached something of this realization at an earlier date. However, while you can accelerate your intellectual knowledge, emotions move at their own rate.
I still don;t know if I will ever be in another relationship. I've reached the point where I have more peace being alone. To be with someone, it would have to be someone who actually accepted me for who I am in all my complexity without trying to change me, simplify me or belittle me. Basically, it would have to be someone nearly as complex as I am. Really, I don't think I'm complex or difficult to understand at all. I just have a view that goes beyond myself, my past or concrete and unbending traditions far too outdated. Why is that complex?
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