Emotional debate (appended)

I have to admit that after being alone so long, I get lonely. Tried signing up for some groups on meetup.org but they insist on time commitments or the scheduled events are fairly rigid and not generally very convenient to me.

Dating poses problems of people demanding commitments. I'm not afraid of commitment to the right person once I get to know it's the right choice. Too many people seeking commitment for the sake of commitment, which I can't do.

My preference would be making a few intelligent and somewhat emotionally stable friends. Hard to find most places but in NM it often seems nearly impossible.

My other choice is just hooking up, which I am sincerely thinking about. Not quite emotionally fulfilling but at least it's human contact. 

I am going to start going to karaoke on a semi-regular basis, now that the weather has improved, I have more transportation options and finances are better. Be pretty cheap, since I can't drink beer and won't drink much of anything else. Don't want a DWI. I just wish there was someplace closer to me to go to karaoke. 

It has taken me most of my life to understand something. Just because a person is present does not make them supportive. An abuser is present. A prison warden is present. A judge is present. That doesn't make them supportive. In each case, once their power to control you is gone, they move on to someone else. Likewise, a person remaining present in a relationship does not mean supportive. Even when things aren't perfect remaining there does not imply support, especially if they constantly remind you of things not being perfect or they hold it over your head later. 

I bring that up because it finally defines exactly why I have always felt so alone in past relationships.

Though I get lonely, I don't really want a relationship unless it is more friendship than anything else. Period. Being single men's no drama, no violence, no power struggles, no false accusations, no setting my feelings aside just to have the other person put my feelings aside.

Being alone may sound lonely to some. However, if nobody can reach you, nobody can hurt you. Not depressing. It is empowering. We are only socialized to think otherwise.

When I was younger, I was happy putting myself aside to make others happy. Past relationships and 20 years of nursing have cured me of that.