For a day or two this week, I suffered a severe emotional crash. It was the absolute worst last night. I did not feel like being at work, yet did not feel like being anywhere else, either. I mean ANYWHERE else.
I had no thoughts of harming myself but saw nothing immediately worthwhile. Nearly the only thing my mind could grasp to hold onto was the thought that I did not want to hurt my daughter. Though my only thing to look forward to in the short term was rebuilding the computer. Lame but it was something.
Most of all, it was loneliness that crashed in on me. So many people in AL are flakes whom you cannot rely on emotionally. Plus my own history of successive relationships where I was the one who cared for the woman I was with but it seemed (and was later proven) that I dd not matter at all.
I've been talking to one woman online that came over to talk one night. I like her a lot and get very positive intuition around her. She's considerably younger than I am but feel like there is an attraction between us. Though my emotions still took a dark turn and I questioned whether there was anything really there on her side for me. Then, late in the night I had to drive from one camp to another. I checked my phone and found she had texted me around 3:30 in the morning. Which meant she woke up during the night and thought about me.
I don't want to turn this into something more than it might be. However, at that moment, it meant more to me than I can express. I texted back and told her I was having a bad night but her message made it much, much better.
There is no question I need some kind of emotional connection closer than I have had for so very, very long. Obviously, I had believed I had something like that for a while but was badly disappointed and hurt.
Trust still doesn't come very easily for me. The fear of abandonment is still with me and probably always will be.
It's possible I could revert to an emotional state to accept being alone, though it would not be easy. It's closing off a part of myself which is difficult to close off.
Obviously, I don't know where anything at all is going but I do hope that things move forward and closer with this woman. Even if only as platonic friends, though I truly hope for more than that with her.
For now, just let things go at their own pace in life. Except for the computer and the YT channel. After I get off work tonight, I have 3 nights off to work on that and a few other tasks. I have managed to get the house and yard in better condition. I need to keep that trend going.
I had no thoughts of harming myself but saw nothing immediately worthwhile. Nearly the only thing my mind could grasp to hold onto was the thought that I did not want to hurt my daughter. Though my only thing to look forward to in the short term was rebuilding the computer. Lame but it was something.
Most of all, it was loneliness that crashed in on me. So many people in AL are flakes whom you cannot rely on emotionally. Plus my own history of successive relationships where I was the one who cared for the woman I was with but it seemed (and was later proven) that I dd not matter at all.
I've been talking to one woman online that came over to talk one night. I like her a lot and get very positive intuition around her. She's considerably younger than I am but feel like there is an attraction between us. Though my emotions still took a dark turn and I questioned whether there was anything really there on her side for me. Then, late in the night I had to drive from one camp to another. I checked my phone and found she had texted me around 3:30 in the morning. Which meant she woke up during the night and thought about me.
I don't want to turn this into something more than it might be. However, at that moment, it meant more to me than I can express. I texted back and told her I was having a bad night but her message made it much, much better.
There is no question I need some kind of emotional connection closer than I have had for so very, very long. Obviously, I had believed I had something like that for a while but was badly disappointed and hurt.
Trust still doesn't come very easily for me. The fear of abandonment is still with me and probably always will be.
It's possible I could revert to an emotional state to accept being alone, though it would not be easy. It's closing off a part of myself which is difficult to close off.
Obviously, I don't know where anything at all is going but I do hope that things move forward and closer with this woman. Even if only as platonic friends, though I truly hope for more than that with her.
For now, just let things go at their own pace in life. Except for the computer and the YT channel. After I get off work tonight, I have 3 nights off to work on that and a few other tasks. I have managed to get the house and yard in better condition. I need to keep that trend going.
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