Here we go again.
I am heading back into a manic state. This one is bad.
Last one was minor. Only a few days. Lost some sleep and that was about it.
This time is going to last a while, I can tell. Oh, well. Happy the weather is warming up a little. Been coming on slowly for a few days.
Knew something was off but was not sure what until tonight. It's after 4 AM and I have not slept. Try to get a bit of sleep again in a few minutes.
Thought I had brain fog but not so much. Instead it's racing thoughts. I can think clearly but hard to focus. Takes an effort but I can do it.
On the up side, this is actually an indication that my UC is improving. Also on the up side (but maybe contributing) is that I am seriously making advancements at the gym.
I am already back to maxing out multiple machines. Not bad for being away from the gym for two years. I am getting sore but not majorly so. Not doing a lot of repetitions at the highest weights but will build up to higher reps quickly. Maxed out the pec fly and bicep curl machines. Doing suspended situps. Haven't seen one of those boards for 28 years. Not many of those but also doing ab isolation crunches. I'm actually getting rid of my pubic area paunch! (Which was impossible because of the UC before.) Trying to build up my gluteal muscles. I've always had a bony butt and hope to fix that at last. Not sure I have much hope for it but keep trying.
In any case, happy with what I can do and what I see in the mirror.
On the down side, I am getting easily irritated and I am horny as hell. I already told my gf I am in a carnal state of mind but not in a romantic way. She's okay with that. In fact, quite receptive. Though I do not have much time with her. That's not helping the situation for me. Can't blame her for it though. I expect to see her for a couple of hours tonight and told her we will not be doing much talking other than me telling her what I want her to do.
This is absolutely when my Dom side comes out. I've had an erection all night almost continuously.
That can get slightly painful at times but then it sets off a different cycle. Certain forms of pain excite me. That's one. The pain from working out is another. In this case, my manic state is so bad that I seriously want her to take charge and inflict some level of pain on me. It helps ultimately exhaust me. For a while. Not for long.
To a degree, I hate this side of myself. More so when I cannot indulge it. But that has been most of my life. In the past, these are the times when I sometimes had multiple lovers because none of them could keep up with me. Even two was often not enough but I never went beyond that. Just suffered through the rest. Other times I was working and going to college or worked multiple jobs until I dropped from exhaustion, then got up and did it all again. When I was younger, this could last for months on end. Not sure how long this one will last.
I definitely need to find an extra job and spend a lot of time at the gym. My ethics demand monogamy. I have absolutely zero desire to do anything that hurts my gf. Even if she does not know about it. I've gone through that guilt before and not something I want now. It would destroy me to look her in the eye and know I was being dishonest with her. I want everything in this relationship to be open and above board.
This is my demon. I have fought this many times in my life. Thought it had been exorcised but guess not. It has up sides and down sides. Fighting myself is the down side. The actual good part is that I am not in the financial or physical condition right now to get into much trouble. Reining myself in for my relationship and having a gf that understands it makes it much better. Not having much time with her makes it worse. I rarely drink any more. Can't do cannabis.
Even as I have been writing this, I have been up and down. Chain smoking and pacing. Cold outside, which limits that. If it were warmer I would not stop at all.
All I can do is ride this out.
I am heading back into a manic state. This one is bad.
Last one was minor. Only a few days. Lost some sleep and that was about it.
This time is going to last a while, I can tell. Oh, well. Happy the weather is warming up a little. Been coming on slowly for a few days.
Knew something was off but was not sure what until tonight. It's after 4 AM and I have not slept. Try to get a bit of sleep again in a few minutes.
Thought I had brain fog but not so much. Instead it's racing thoughts. I can think clearly but hard to focus. Takes an effort but I can do it.
On the up side, this is actually an indication that my UC is improving. Also on the up side (but maybe contributing) is that I am seriously making advancements at the gym.
I am already back to maxing out multiple machines. Not bad for being away from the gym for two years. I am getting sore but not majorly so. Not doing a lot of repetitions at the highest weights but will build up to higher reps quickly. Maxed out the pec fly and bicep curl machines. Doing suspended situps. Haven't seen one of those boards for 28 years. Not many of those but also doing ab isolation crunches. I'm actually getting rid of my pubic area paunch! (Which was impossible because of the UC before.) Trying to build up my gluteal muscles. I've always had a bony butt and hope to fix that at last. Not sure I have much hope for it but keep trying.
In any case, happy with what I can do and what I see in the mirror.
On the down side, I am getting easily irritated and I am horny as hell. I already told my gf I am in a carnal state of mind but not in a romantic way. She's okay with that. In fact, quite receptive. Though I do not have much time with her. That's not helping the situation for me. Can't blame her for it though. I expect to see her for a couple of hours tonight and told her we will not be doing much talking other than me telling her what I want her to do.
This is absolutely when my Dom side comes out. I've had an erection all night almost continuously.
That can get slightly painful at times but then it sets off a different cycle. Certain forms of pain excite me. That's one. The pain from working out is another. In this case, my manic state is so bad that I seriously want her to take charge and inflict some level of pain on me. It helps ultimately exhaust me. For a while. Not for long.
To a degree, I hate this side of myself. More so when I cannot indulge it. But that has been most of my life. In the past, these are the times when I sometimes had multiple lovers because none of them could keep up with me. Even two was often not enough but I never went beyond that. Just suffered through the rest. Other times I was working and going to college or worked multiple jobs until I dropped from exhaustion, then got up and did it all again. When I was younger, this could last for months on end. Not sure how long this one will last.
I definitely need to find an extra job and spend a lot of time at the gym. My ethics demand monogamy. I have absolutely zero desire to do anything that hurts my gf. Even if she does not know about it. I've gone through that guilt before and not something I want now. It would destroy me to look her in the eye and know I was being dishonest with her. I want everything in this relationship to be open and above board.
This is my demon. I have fought this many times in my life. Thought it had been exorcised but guess not. It has up sides and down sides. Fighting myself is the down side. The actual good part is that I am not in the financial or physical condition right now to get into much trouble. Reining myself in for my relationship and having a gf that understands it makes it much better. Not having much time with her makes it worse. I rarely drink any more. Can't do cannabis.
Even as I have been writing this, I have been up and down. Chain smoking and pacing. Cold outside, which limits that. If it were warmer I would not stop at all.
All I can do is ride this out.
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