Going to just say up front I am finding myself becoming emotionally attached to someone. A married woman. Seems like it will become physical in the near future.
I have no sorrow or shame in it. The situation is complex in itself. She says she and her husband have not had sex in 3 years. I do believe her. The signs are definitely there. She still loves him. I am not doing anything to change that. Not going to badmouth him. Of course I know I only hear one side of the story.
However, I am emotionally protecting myself to a large degree. I have let her know I will be dating other women, most likely sleeping with other women. She's not fond of the idea but accepts it. I even told her it is for my own emotional protection and she gets that.
One of the worst parts is that this would not be happening but that I find more in common with her than anyone I have ever known.
Any time I get close to someone or even feel the possibility, I have to face certain parts of myself. Like my fear of abandonment. I am aware of it. It's not something I can control nor do I want to. It has a real basis in my past and has led to bad decisions before I came to full awareness of it. Maybe some bad decisions even afterward. Either not protecting myself enough (most common) or protecting myself too much. No matter what, it has always led to walls which nobody has ever been inside.
Honestly, I have never found the love of my life. Thought I had more than once but it proved false and it was only wishful thinking on my part.
The song which most defines me is "Question" by the Moody Blues. Nobody has ever understood just how important that song is to me. Maybe my own fault because I don't press it on them. My ex is the one person I ever tried to get it across to. It failed. The song has two parts and she could not grasp the correlation between the two parts. She viewed them as separate and thought they should have been separate songs. They were written as one for a reason which few ever comprehend. When she failed to grasp it was the moment I really should have accepted that she never understood me.
I don't hold it against anyone that ever walked away from me as an adult. Truth is that I am the most complex person that I have ever met. We all want to be accepted as a whole and I am no different. If someone does not accept me as a whole, understand me as a whole then it leaves something always lacking.
I'm not innocent. Not going to make that claim. Made massive mistakes when I was younger. Some of which turned out to be the best things that ever happened to me. But they were still mistakes. I did not make those mistakes later. Maybe I actually should have.
The most common mistake I tend to make is allowing myself to become so emotionally bound to someone that I fail to see that they do not have the same dedication to me. "And when you stop and think about it/You won't believe it's true/That all the love you've been giving/Has all been meant for you".
Maybe my best bet is being involved with a married woman. Means it is most likely to end at some point. No abandonment involved. I have definitely been in relationships before because I knew they would end. Means I can feel as deeply as I choose because I know it is not permanent. I can love them forever as they are without regret, remorse or bitterness.
If I do not protect myself in such a way, if I allow my emotions free rein I hold nothing back. I put every bit of myself into a relationship. I know it is dangerous but if I do not I do not feel complete. I just never had anyone who returned that much.
I know I will be writing more about this in the coming weeks.
I have no sorrow or shame in it. The situation is complex in itself. She says she and her husband have not had sex in 3 years. I do believe her. The signs are definitely there. She still loves him. I am not doing anything to change that. Not going to badmouth him. Of course I know I only hear one side of the story.
However, I am emotionally protecting myself to a large degree. I have let her know I will be dating other women, most likely sleeping with other women. She's not fond of the idea but accepts it. I even told her it is for my own emotional protection and she gets that.
One of the worst parts is that this would not be happening but that I find more in common with her than anyone I have ever known.
Any time I get close to someone or even feel the possibility, I have to face certain parts of myself. Like my fear of abandonment. I am aware of it. It's not something I can control nor do I want to. It has a real basis in my past and has led to bad decisions before I came to full awareness of it. Maybe some bad decisions even afterward. Either not protecting myself enough (most common) or protecting myself too much. No matter what, it has always led to walls which nobody has ever been inside.
Honestly, I have never found the love of my life. Thought I had more than once but it proved false and it was only wishful thinking on my part.
The song which most defines me is "Question" by the Moody Blues. Nobody has ever understood just how important that song is to me. Maybe my own fault because I don't press it on them. My ex is the one person I ever tried to get it across to. It failed. The song has two parts and she could not grasp the correlation between the two parts. She viewed them as separate and thought they should have been separate songs. They were written as one for a reason which few ever comprehend. When she failed to grasp it was the moment I really should have accepted that she never understood me.
I don't hold it against anyone that ever walked away from me as an adult. Truth is that I am the most complex person that I have ever met. We all want to be accepted as a whole and I am no different. If someone does not accept me as a whole, understand me as a whole then it leaves something always lacking.
I'm not innocent. Not going to make that claim. Made massive mistakes when I was younger. Some of which turned out to be the best things that ever happened to me. But they were still mistakes. I did not make those mistakes later. Maybe I actually should have.
The most common mistake I tend to make is allowing myself to become so emotionally bound to someone that I fail to see that they do not have the same dedication to me. "And when you stop and think about it/You won't believe it's true/That all the love you've been giving/Has all been meant for you".
Maybe my best bet is being involved with a married woman. Means it is most likely to end at some point. No abandonment involved. I have definitely been in relationships before because I knew they would end. Means I can feel as deeply as I choose because I know it is not permanent. I can love them forever as they are without regret, remorse or bitterness.
If I do not protect myself in such a way, if I allow my emotions free rein I hold nothing back. I put every bit of myself into a relationship. I know it is dangerous but if I do not I do not feel complete. I just never had anyone who returned that much.
I know I will be writing more about this in the coming weeks.
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