I'm tired. Not sick. I had a very difficult time sleeping last night. Not sure why. Mind would not stop running even after cannabis, which usually works really well for me.
So, going to get to bed early tonight.
I'm not sure what brought it to mind but doesn't matter. While taking the dog for a walk, it came to mind that I have never (at least since I was 9 years old) felt like anyone has ever loved me. Except my daughter. Maybe it has been a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. However, it did occur to me that you do not truly love someone unless you love them enough to sacrifice your life for theirs. I have loved a number of people that much, with no exaggeration. It has never been returned. Of course, I would not want anyone to give their life for me. It is just that if you do not love someone that much, you do not truly love them and it shows in many other ways. Because your concerns are always and forever more important than theirs. Yes, this ties in to my fear of abandonment. My history is filled with people who abandoned me. If they did not abandon me physically, they did so emotionally. Then passive-aggressively waited or tried to force me into the decision to walk away from them physically. When that did not happen, they mentally turned me into a bad person whom I never have been. Somehow, it just feels like my karma.
It's a three day weekend. I have a long list of things to get done.
Made my first attempt at canning meat last night. Two jars of three didn't seal properly, so I heated them again. One has sealed and I'm waiting for the last one to cool down now. They're all pork and potatoes.
Call it survivalism but I am starting to stockpile different things. Food which stays good with no refrigeration, tools, etc. Part just basic security after things I've gone through the last few years. However, my feeling that something big is coming is growing rapidly and I now think it will be centered on the coming Presidential election next year. Obviously, I could be wrong but I would much rather be prepared.
So, going to get to bed early tonight.
I'm not sure what brought it to mind but doesn't matter. While taking the dog for a walk, it came to mind that I have never (at least since I was 9 years old) felt like anyone has ever loved me. Except my daughter. Maybe it has been a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. However, it did occur to me that you do not truly love someone unless you love them enough to sacrifice your life for theirs. I have loved a number of people that much, with no exaggeration. It has never been returned. Of course, I would not want anyone to give their life for me. It is just that if you do not love someone that much, you do not truly love them and it shows in many other ways. Because your concerns are always and forever more important than theirs. Yes, this ties in to my fear of abandonment. My history is filled with people who abandoned me. If they did not abandon me physically, they did so emotionally. Then passive-aggressively waited or tried to force me into the decision to walk away from them physically. When that did not happen, they mentally turned me into a bad person whom I never have been. Somehow, it just feels like my karma.
It's a three day weekend. I have a long list of things to get done.
Made my first attempt at canning meat last night. Two jars of three didn't seal properly, so I heated them again. One has sealed and I'm waiting for the last one to cool down now. They're all pork and potatoes.
Call it survivalism but I am starting to stockpile different things. Food which stays good with no refrigeration, tools, etc. Part just basic security after things I've gone through the last few years. However, my feeling that something big is coming is growing rapidly and I now think it will be centered on the coming Presidential election next year. Obviously, I could be wrong but I would much rather be prepared.
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